So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
