i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
