You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
