YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Randomize
