wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize