I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Randomize
