I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
