I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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