Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
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