so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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