I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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