Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
