Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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