Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
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