I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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