she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Pants are for mortals
That's how pantless uber rides happen
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Randomize
