she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
May the power of my ass compel you!!
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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