Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Randomize
