are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
My butt remains clenched, sir.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize