When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Randomize
