I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
