There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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