So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
