Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
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