We named our party play list daddy issues
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Randomize
