I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
