if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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