Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize