My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
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