last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
it hurts more in the daytime
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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