I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
It's shark week go big or go home
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
