after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
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