My Higher Power is John Stamos
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Randomize
