I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
ttyl tear gas
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
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