Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Randomize
