Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
