Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Randomize
