He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Randomize
