She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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