I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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