The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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