So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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