This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Can you bring me the toilet please
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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