yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Randomize
