Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
