i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Randomize
