This is not my ceiling
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
