i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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