if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
