just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
