I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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