party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
