if i can run in heels then i can drive
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
