I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Randomize
