How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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