My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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