Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
