question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
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